Good morning on a grey and overcast morning in beautiful downtown Byfield, in marked contrast to the gorgeously glorious mornings we have enjoyed over the past couple of days. Brilliant blue, bright clear skies which, regrettably, have given way to torrential showers and hail storms during the course of the day but what a glorious way to start. The amount of rain has been substantial, so much so that the River Cherwell, which we cross twice on one of my favourite walks from Chipping Warden, is right at the very top edge of its banks and, for those of you for whom it will mean anything, the water is right up to the top stones of the second bridge – a lot of water! Which is, of course, undoubtedly a good thing having had a very dry autumn and winter – perhaps there won’t be quite so many hosepipe bans this summer?
We had a very pleasant day yesterday which included a delicious lunch with Nick and Lucy and which was partly as a result of Pen and Lucy finally having an opportunity to enjoy their Christmas presents. You know what it’s like (well, at least I suspect the male members of our readership will know what it’s like) – it’s two days before Christmas and, in spite of your best efforts, you have purchased no gifts for your nearest and dearest and, even worse, you have no ideas at all. So, you ask the “girls” at work and they come up with a suggestion which they swear will be a huge success – arrange for them (Pen and Lucy) to have their “colours done”. After some initial scepticism, I went ahead and arranged for gift vouchers for the pair of them and they were finally able to go along on Saturday for the treatment. I have to say, my scepticism was about on a par with Penny’s who, upon opening the envelope at Christmas, was somewhat bemused to say the least. But, if she and Lucy were telling the truth at lunch yesterday, they seem to have had a good time.
I imagine that this is “old hat” to most of you but essentially it involves a consultation with someone who delves into your personality and then drapes scarves of various shades around your neck while you and others grade the suitability (or otherwise) of the relevant colour. At the end of the morning you have got a swatch of colours which are perfectly suited to your temperament and skin and hair colouring. Both Pen and Lucy turn out to be “Autumnal” which, as you could deduce, includes browns, tans, beiges, rust, etc. Pen even arrived at the restaurant for lunch wearing coral lipstick – she later confessed she hadn’t worn lipstick since Ben and Donna’s wedding! But most importantly, the scepticism seems to have been dissipated and they both say they had a good time and it was very useful. (If not, they managed very successfully to get their stories together before they met up with Nick and me for lunch).
We enjoyed the lunar eclipse last night – I don’t know how many of the rest of you were able to see it but we had a very clear sky and it was quite a performance. I did have to explain to Ms Playchute how lunar eclipses differed from solar eclipses and, although I did not have a basketball, orange and ping-pong ball with which to illustrate what was going on, I did re-arrange three stones on our window sill as we gazed out at the red moon in an effort to help her understand the phenomenon. What props can one use, however, to explain the diffused light which makes the moon look red? Any suggestions gratefully received.
Finally, many of you know that we are the proud owners of one of Mom’s Christmas wreaths made of corks. Some years ago, probably around the time we moved to Byfield, Pen decided it would be good fun to make similar wreaths for various friends. So, for the past ten years we have been saving corks and these only came to light when we were clearing out my study in preparation for the arrival of the new carpet. Seemingly every other box or bag stored on the bottom shelves of my bookcase was filled with corks and everything which Pen cleared from the study seemed to be another collection of corks. These have now been congregated into several largish boxes and one day, perhaps, they will re-materialise as Christmas wreaths. In the meantime, I will continue to drink plenty of wine to ensure that her collection continues to grow. It’s the least I can do.
Love to you all,
Greg
The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -- and that you'd be happy about it!"
My wife and I received a lovely trophy as a wedding gift from a friend. But upon closer inspection, we noticed that the plaque seemed to reveal some dark, previously hidden secret.
There were only two lines on the engraving, and no punctuation. Read together, it said, "May the Lord Bless You and Keep You From Mary Blevin."
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
I was setting up a large, cast aluminium, decorative sundial in my yard that I had purchased from a garden catalogue.
A neighbour, an old Florida cracker, was leaning on the fence watching my progress and asked, "What the heck's that for?"
I explained, "It's a sun dial, see the sun will hit that small triangular spike and cast a shadow on the face of the sundial. Then, as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow also moves across the calibrated dial, enabling a person to determine the correct time."
My neighbour shook his head and muttered,. "Huh, what will they think of next?"
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