The Befouled Weakly News
6 January 2008
Good morning and Happy New Year to you all. We actually were still awake by the time the new year arrived in Paris, only an hour ahead of the UK, which is the latest we’ve been awake on New Year’s Eve for some considerable number of years. The last New Year’s I can remember actually seeing in was the so-called Millennium when 1999 became 2000 (and that was undoubtedly only because Pete and Sal held a celebratory bash at which attendance was compulsory); normally we last about as late as midnight in Moscow. Still, in spite of lasting all the way to Paris, we were soundly sawing wood by the time the fireworks arrived at midnight and, with no dog to land on our beds and awaken us, managed to successfully sleep through the lot. The startling discovery I first articulated last year (I think) can now be confirmed. Something to do with the cold weather or shorter days, I should imagine, but there is no doubt about the veracity of my discovery. During the holiday season, a proportion of one’s clothing mysteriously shrink. It seems to have affected virtually all my trousers this year although shirts, socks and sweaters seem to have been more or less exempt. My underwear similarly seems to have down-sized itself during the festivities so clearly there is a bit more research to carry out before we can announce our discovery to the media with a publication in New Scientist. I seem to recollect last year that my trousers eventually grew back to their original size after a period of time – as the days lengthen and the temperatures gradually improve it seems that everything comes right again. We’ll let you know how long it takes. Speaking of the temperature, we have to congratulate the weather forecasters on their predictions for the new year. Apparently, the prediction for Thursday was for minus 17 degree Celsius and heavy snowfalls with strong winds and drifts the size of the Post Office Tower. Admittedly, minus 17 Celsius is only just above 1 degree Fahrenheit and therefore of no great consequence to those of you in the East and the Post Office Tower-sized snow drifts probably no more than you have come to expect on a regular basis. In the balmy, temperate British Isles, however, this would have been something. So, as we have come to expect from UK weather forecasters, the prediction turned out to be a considerable over-exaggeration. To be sure the weather did turn fairly chilly and the temperature did sneak below freezing for a day or two while the snow was restricted to Scotland and Yorkshire. Still, it’s nice to know that we can rely on the continued accuracy of our weather personnel. We’ll see how accurate the predictions are for snow this coming Tuesday. It’s a good thing the weather turned out to be not quite as predicted on Thursday as we donned our overcoats and mittens and trekked down to Devon to see Alf, Dina and the boys. It’s been a fair few years and, of course, the boys have put on the odd few inches (or feet) since we saw them last but it was good fun and they all seem to be doing well.
And finally, saw this on the BBC website this morning which sounds exactly like my sort of museum.
All our love, Greg Two blonde redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more." A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink. "I'll have a bourbon and Coke." The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?" "I'll have a Scotch and soda -- light on the soda," says Rover. The bartender is sceptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "that dog can't talk -- you're a ventriloquist!" "No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself -- but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog." The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone. "Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight." "Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a some money and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper." "Let's go look for him," said the man. The two went to the drugstore -- no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets -- no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away. Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!" "Well, I never had money before." A Scotsman paying his first visit to the zoo stopped by one of the cages. "An whut animal would that be?" he asked the keeper. "That's a moose from Canada," came the reply. "A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man - they must ha' rrrats like elephants ower there!" Back to Greg's Temporary Home Page
|
