The Befouled Weakly News

10 February 2008


Good morning once again to each and everyone of you. What a great game last Sunday and congratulations to all the Giants fans amongst us (and, of course, commiserations to all the Patriots fans). I did, in fact, stay up and watch it live and, although the middle two quarters were perhaps not the most exciting football I’ve ever seen, the fourth quarter more than made up for it. I stayed up largely because I had an inkling that the Giants might be able to pull it off and, although I was a neutral observer, I’m glad I did stay up even though my efficiency and effectiveness on Monday morning was decidedly inferior. No one seemed to notice, I suspect but, on the other hand, how would they know?

You will undoubtedly be pleased to know that we’ve had some excellent weather this week in spite of what the forecasters have predicted. It was such a glorious day on Wednesday that when I got home in the early afternoon I was able to indulge in a bike ride without freezing my face off. This weekend, too, has been simply glorious with bright, bright blue skies and, after the initial morning frost has vanished, moderately pleasant. Tuesday, however, was decidedly stormy and on Tuesday evening we were treated to an extraordinary down-burst of hail which covered the ground in a matter of moments. The racket as the hail banged against our roof lights was deafening but only later did we hear of a somewhat amusing incident; amusing to us at any rate.

It seems that one young lady, who shall remain nameless, was unfortunate enough to be just beginning to strap her infant daughter into the child’s car seat when the heavens opened and the hail clattered down. The intensity of the storm was such that she dare not extricate the child and make a dash for the house, nor could she close the door and climb into the front seat of the car as she had not yet succeeded in securing the child. Her only option was to prostrate herself across the door frame to prevent the child being peppered with hailstones.  Fortunately, the intense storm lasted only two or three minutes, by which time the mother had been peppered almost senseless but, more importantly, as she leaned over to protect her child she exhibited  a significantly substantial gap between the waistband on her trousers and, shall we say, her derrière. The gap was sufficient, it seems to provide a convenient pocket for the accumulation of a significant quantity of hailstones. When the storm finally relented she was able to finish securing her child and drive home whereupon, after delivering the child safely indoors, she was finally able to shed the several kilos of hailstones which had managed to find their way into the gap and, indeed, into her underpants.

More news of our favourite UN diplomat, here taking part in the ceremonies to hand over a recently renovated school:

UNMIL recently handed over the newly renovated Snafu Dock School in Charlesville, Margibi County, to the local authorities. The Pakistani peacekeepers deployed in the area voluntarily undertook the renovation of the school that would benefit over 300 students. “Education is vital for the future of Liberia,” Deputy Special Representative of the Secretary-General Jordan Ryan said at the hand-over ceremony. He expressed sincere appreciation to the Pakistani contingent for the voluntary contribution and stressed the importance of giving equal chances for education to girls and boys. Jordan Ryan

Also received an article from Dad describing an art exhibition which sounded distinctly interesting. Don’t know how many of the rest of you will also have received the following:

Small Show Offers Art From Another Perspective
By Alex Hanson
Valley News Staff Writer
Thursday January 31, 2008

There’s a certain kind of art exhibit that surfaces every once in a while in these parts, work that’s meant to be viewed by a relatively small community of people. This kind of show is quasi-public, targeted at anyone who lives or works near it, but invisible to the public at large.

Sandy's artKendal at Hanover is hosting such a show right now. Well, in some ways it’s less a show than a curiosity. R. Sanford “Sandy” Stragnell, the son of Kendal at Hanover resident Robert Stragnell makes sculpture out of cast off tools and implements. A dragonfly has wings made from a Swiss army knife. The aptly named “stove bird” takes its body from the coiled handle of a tool used to pull the round lids off the top of a cast-iron cook-stove. A group of “bullet people” are made from spent brass shell casings, among other materials.

This is a show that I wouldn’t otherwise have heard about, but for a phone call from Evelyn Spiegel another Kendal resident. What’s enjoyable about a show like this is to get an idea of how someone else sees it. Sandy Stragnell, who lives in New York state, obviously has a flair for seeing the shapes of animals in bits of metal.

Kendal doesn’t generally publicize its art displays and is understandably reluctant to encourage outside visitors. But people who want to see Stragnell’s clever sculpture can stop by the Lyme Road community between 10 am and 4 pm. Stop at the reception desk on the way in.

And finally, I am sure you have all seen the notices traced in the dirt and grime on the back of trucks, vans or lorries. Usually we see them on white vans with the very original message, “Clean Me!” or, perhaps somewhat more original, “Also available in white.” Driving into Banbury the other day we stopped behind one particularly dirty white van, read the message that had been inscribed and both burst out laughing. The message read, “I wish my girlfriend was this dirty!”

Love to you all,

Greg


A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.  

"Ah...." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.  

"I see you are the father of two children."  

"Hah, what a scam you fortune tellers are," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of *three* children."  

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think..."


I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?"  

She said, "Give him some vegetables."  

It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.


Penny’s sister J sent these along. They are [allegedly] actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.   If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.

"It took us a while to find a new pilot."


A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


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