The Befouled Weakly News
24 August 2008 Good morning and welcome to the “It Never Rains But It Pours” department from the Befouled Weakly News. We have an expression in the UK – you wait forever for a bus and then three come along. Well, I guess the same could be said of expensive calamities – things move along quite serenely for a period of time and then several incidents occur immediately after one another. It started, in fact, while we were in Prague. In the UK (and I am sure there is some sort of equivalence wherever you are) one’s car has to pass an MOT (Ministry of Transport) certificate of road-worthiness examination every year once the car is more than three years old. As it happens, Penny’s car’s previous MOT test certificate was due to expire a few days after our return from Prague. So, we arranged for Michael, Penny’s motor mechanic nephew, to give it the once-over while we were away. The car is quite elderly, has in excess of 100,000 miles and has a number of personalised character improvements (i.e., dents and scrapes) so we expected a bit of a financial hit for Michael to get the car up to scratch. We weren’t really prepared, however, for the text message which arrived while we were in Prague telling us that, in Michael’s view, the car was not worth the amount it would cost to get it through the road-worthiness examination. So, the acquisition of a new car was suddenly and somewhat unexpectedly at the top of the agenda. No sooner had we returned from Prague than my car (which is soon to become Penny’s car) began to exhibit some annoyingly erratic behaviour. One would drive along quite happily and steadily and then, with no warning (and intermittently, of course), it would cut out. This generally occurred when one was slowing down and is certainly not the sort of thing you appreciate when you are decelerating to exit the motorway, for example. It happened to me a few times and then it happened to Ms Playchute as she negotiated the curves through the village of Wardington which was especially disconcerting. So, off to the Vauxhall dealership so that they can plug in their diagnostic tools and read the computer. Ah, the computer software needs updating and that will probably cure the problem and, by the way, you are down a litre of oil. So, back on the road again only for it to re-occur almost immediately. It seems I paid them something in excess of $200 for a litre of oil, as it turns out. Back to the dealership wearing my “I am very displeased” face and, after another set of diagnostics (for which I was not charged) and the replacement of an ERG valve of some description for another $250, we’re back on the road again and, so far (touch wood) no similar incidents. The third little calamity is still in the midst of being resolved. Soon after our return from Prague, the electricity in the Annexe started playing up, tripping the switch for the ring main every few moments. Coincidentally, it seemed that every time this happened, the boiler would also trip out leaving our tenant, Marie (Pete’s mum) without any electricity or hot water – not the best environment for a 90 year old. Also, since Ms Playchute’s workshop is on the same circuit as the Annexe, their electricity would also go leaving a somewhat disgruntled workforce as well as hitting their productivity. On Tuesday whilst at work I received a phone call from the by now exasperated Penelope to inform me that the switch had continued to trip and that they were now unable to switch it back on. I did suggest some duct tape to hold it in the “on” position but Penelope was naturally much too sensible to employ that suggestion and so avoided the explosion and fire which would have inevitably followed. Instead, she contacted a local electrician who talked her through shutting down all the appliances and eventually, you will be surprised to hear, the boiler was identified as the culprit. The next phone calls were to a few plumbers before one could be persuaded to carry out a house call, the result of which was the diagnosis that the boiler had some damp in the electrics which I am guessing means we have a leak inside the boiler. At the moment, the poor boiler is open with its “guts” hanging out to “dry out” and the plumber is due back any day now to continue the diagnosis and hopefully resolve the issue. This could be worse, of course, as the lack of hot water and electricity would be somewhat inconvenient for Marie. However, she left our tenancy last Saturday to move in to the house adjacent to Pete and Sal’s so the Annexe is, at the moment, empty which is, in fact, our fourth calamity. As you can guess, this is a case of “good news, bad news”. The good news is that there is no one being inconvenienced by the lack of electricity and hot water; the bad news is that there is no one occupying the Annexe paying rent. The advertisements thus far have persuaded a few folks to come along and look but so far, no takers. Still, someone will come along and take it no doubt but we’ll have to get the boiler and electrics sorted out before then. So, apart from the fact that it never rains but it pours, it seems that it never rains but it pours. The weather has been dire – it looks as if this August could be the wettest for a century, as the following from the Guardian suggests:
Finally, thanks to Nick who spotted that one Roger Rinderknecht won his heat in the quarterfinals of the men’s Olympic BMX racing. Unfortunately, it seems he failed to get through the semi-finals. Is this something the Rinderkinders would like to share with us? Yours wet and broke, Greg Allegedly real signs and advertisements: Signs In a clothing store: In the window of an Oregon general store: In a Pennsylvania cemetery: On a Tennessee highway: From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket: On a Maine shop: On a delicatessen wall: And some similarly, allegedly real newspaper advertisements: ILLITERATE? Write today for free help. AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again. DOG FOR SALE: Eats anything and is fond of children. STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one. SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. GREAT DAMES for sale. TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it. A variation on one we’ve had before: Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.' After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 pm sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 pm And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?' Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.' Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.' Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player. A group of golfers were putting on the green when suddenly a ball dropped in their midst. One of the party winked at the others and shoved the ball into the hole with his foot. Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green, quite out of breath. "Excuse me," he said as he looked around distractedly. "Have you seen my ball?" "Yeah, it went in the hole," the joker answered with straight-faced alacrity. "Really?!" The fat guy said, unbelieving. "Take a look," the jokester said, pointing at the hole as the rest of his foursome looked in in amusement. The guy waddled over to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball. His astonishment was plain to see. "Woo hoo!!" he exclaimed. Then he turned, spotted his partner, and shouted out at the top of his lungs, "Hey, Sam, guess what?! I got an eleven!" Back to Greg's Temporary Home Page
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Britain could be heading for it wettest August for a century as forecasters predicted more heavy rain today, but held out the hope of a drier bank holiday.